


Sentimental

by jeolmeoniji



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Angst, Baby, But Also a Bit of, Fluff, HE SANG SENTIMENTAL I MEAN, I AM A MESS, I'M EMO, M/M, Mental Health Issues, don't touch me, tbh i don't really know how i can tag this, this is a mess, this is because of taehyun's live, un-betaed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 05:29:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10236923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeolmeoniji/pseuds/jeolmeoniji
Summary: No matter how much I try, we won’t be able to be happy forever, right?





	

**Author's Note:**

> taehyun's live put me on an emotional mood and i gave birth to this. unbetaed, maybe incomprehensible, i put words on taehyun's departure, and i'm emo. enjoy <3
> 
> also, i'm quoting lyrics of Sentimental

 

_I can’t catch you_

_Even if I regret it now_

_I can’t see you_

_No matter how much I try_

_We won’t be able_

_To be happy forever, right?_

 

It was pure chance that Mino was on Taehyun's instagram account when the little _Live_ appeared around Taehyun's profile pic. He wasn't supposed to be checking his account; heck, he even unfollowed him, every Winner members did so, because Taehyun had asked them to. And who was Mino to go against Taehyun's words? He was his ex-boyfriend. He grimaced.

 

He couldn't go against Taehyun's mind, ever. It has always been Taehyun who kept him in the recording studio until dawn, who dragged him in unknown places at the other end of Seoul to discover, in a dimly lit room, pieces of art that moved him so much, who decided to kiss him in the middle of their midnight snack just because he wanted to. Taehyun was awkward with what society wanted from him, he was hypersensible and demons ran through his head more than Mino could bear, but Taehyun also loved Mino so much and it was some pride because, at least, Mino was someone who made genuine grins and laughs blossom on Taehyun's face. And that was everything Mino wanted in his life.

 

But maybe being able to make Taehyun feel good enough to smile and laugh wasn't _enough_. It wasn't everything and Mino wanted to do more, but at some point he was paralyzed and clueless and everything fell apart. Taehyun couldn't win against the thoughts flowing painfully through his head, couldn't ignore the awful comments you find coming from faceless people that spit out their venom, couldn't do anymore like everything was alright. What people wanted from Taehyun crushed him and Mino knew that Taehyun didn't want anything else than opening his arms and feel the wind through his hair and finally breathe easily.

 

And that meant Taehyun had to leave.

 

Mino couldn't go against Taehyun's words. And even if it wasn't only Taehyun's decision, every member knew what was going on and what was for the best, and for a little bit they forgot they were in the same group Winner and just thought about how Taehyun was feeling. How he had difficulty to stand confidently and escape through his notes and songs and how everything was wrapping him in darkness that Mino just wanted to lighten up so Taehyun wouldn't be scared for the rest of his life. It was painful to see Taehyun trying to adjust and just failing and then abandoning his battle and closing from them. Mino didn't know what to say, which worries to soothe away, if he still had the right to claim himself as Taehyun's boyfriend if he was falling without Mino's hands to grip at his shivering fingers and hold him still on the ground.

 

Mino couldn't go against Taehyun's words, and he couldn't go against what his heart said. Taehyun had a new recording studio for himself, he had posted pictures about it, trying different ways to make it feel like it was a part of himself, paint drops in his hair and a genuine smile on his lips. But it wasn't Mino who brought this smile to him, and Mino understood he had failed somewhere to keep his promise and give everything to Taehyun, because lately even a smile was hard to get. It wasn't anyone's fault. It was a fact and maybe it was what hurt Mino the most.

 

Taehyun drifted from his hugs and soon he was away from them, from Winner, from his bandmates and his friends, from his colleagues and from his lover. He felt like his place wasn't there anymore. His mind wasn't in peace and his happiness was somewhere away from what the name of YG put on his shoulders. The solution was somewhere else, and this somewhere didn't hold Mino in it, and it was painful but it was also painful to see the guilt in Taehyun's features, because it wasn't like you could fake being happy when you create melodies from the bottom of your heart as a living.

 

Taehyun wasn't with them for long – 2013 seemed so far though, with everything they did until then. But everything they did wasn't enough for any of them, and each day they passed locked up away from the stages they wanted to perform on, a piece of Taehyun fissured and it was every little crack that fell apart and Mino, who thought everything was okay, suddenly discovered that _no it wasn't_ , and worst of all, that it was too late.

 

“I think it's better if I leave. We even lost time again because of my mental health issues.”

 

And maybe it was selfish. Maybe Mino would have the right to throw a tantrum. At this point, he wasn't sure of anything and his mixed feelings flew through his veins and crashed in waves of anger and sadness and he couldn't open his mouth because his words were a mess.

 

But everything was worth it if it meant Taehyun could be free from whatever made him have crisis.

 

They broke up the day Taehyun left the dorm, the day Taehyun said all of them goodbye's and thank you's for everything, the day Taehyun's wings trembled of anticipation and fear of the unknown but also because he was free again – not of all his dark thoughts, but it was a good start for his health.

 

And Mino's heart was a little bit more eased because he knew Taehyun was sorry that he didn't manage to make it work, to be strong enough for his members, for his friends and for their dream. But he was only 22, and it was the beginning of his life and Mino knew Taehyun would do amazing things, even without him.

 

Mino couldn't go against Taehyun's words, against his decision and the agence's, but it didn't mean Mino didn't miss Taehyun like a mad man. He knew Taehyun didn't hate him – loved him less than before, yes, but there still was care in his eyes the last time they stared at each other. And Mino just loved him so much and he couldn't go against this.

 

That's when Taehyun's live on instagram began around 6 in the afternoon, during a break Mino allowed himself even in the frenzy almost-comeback mood. How he wished Taehyun was there by his side, excited and smiling because they would meet their fans soon, sing for everyone to see their talent and enjoy their music. But he wasn't there and Mino missed him and he couldn't help but check on him through instragram, even if Seungyoon told him not to hurt himself anymore by doing so. In his eyes he had seen the worry of a friend, the sadness of their new maknae but also the will of a leader to make their team work even with four members, because their dream was to create and sing and perform and he would bare the weight of it for them, and Mino was so thankful to have Seungyoon as their leader.

 

Mino's heart pinched seeing Taehyun's guitar, Taehyun's fingers on it, stroking the strings as if he was mumbling words he couldn't say, but it felt so fucking good to see him still doing music, still have the spirit in him to do what he loved. Mino shut himself to the world and just enjoyed the notes flowing, disconnected songs and he chocked when Taehyun's voice sang on the melody, and he didn't know it would affect him that much. After all, Taehyun had posted songs and videos of him doing so days before, weeks before, but maybe it was the fact that it was a live, and that Mino wasn't supposed to still check his account, and that it was really too overwhelming to listen to Taehyun's raspy but mellow voice, and _fuck he missed him so much_.

 

Between the two of them, he was the one who couldn't let go.

 

Mino thought it was already too much, but then Taehyun played a specifical tune and Mino broke down, and the notes kept running through his head, caressing memories of a night with just the two of them, drunk and happy and carefree, with sheets of lyrics and synth and a guitar, and that's how they gave birth to _Sentimental_ together. The lyrics resonated through Mino's body and what they meant made him want to cry. Despite his sunden sensitivity, he still managed to smile when he spotted one of Taehyun's cats passing behind him on the couch, and it soothed Mino's pain a bit, to see something familiar like this.

 

Taehyun only sang his part of the song. He offered a memory of his time with Winner, but didn't go as much as giving his voice to the parts of his ex-members. And suddenly, even if it was obvious, Mino realized he would never sing _Sentimental_ with Taehyun ever again, and that was too depressing, and he wanted to sing too, to give a reply to Taehyun, to feel connected through music once again, even just through the phone.

 

He waited for the end of the live, biting his lips in fear and anticipation, because maybe it wasn't a good idea to do what he'd do, but he couldn't help it – he wanted to be selfish, just a bit. Taehyun singing a Winner song was maybe an invitation, a silenced word that said that it was okay, he was okay, he was happy and that thinking of what he had done with them wasn't a part of his life he wanted to forget. Mino didn't want him to forget what they had had.

 

He couldn't lie and say he erased Taehyun's number. But he knew that Taehyun didn't change it and he could reach him thanks to it. His thumb trembled over their old chat, and then he was pressing on it, dumb KakaoTalk stickers dancing on the screen, and soon enough he was recording, with a slightly hoarse voice, his rap that followed in the song, an echo to Taehyun's vocals.

 

For some reasons, the lyrics they had written a long time before together glittered with a new light and he understood them through a new angle. It hurt, but he was also thankful to have created this masterpiece with Taehyun – _their_ masterpiece.

 

Mino remembered Jinwoo's part of the song, but didn't dare to sing it, neither Seunghoon's or Seungyoon's. It was only between him and Taehyun. It was kind of bittersweet.

 

When Mino pressed the sending button, there was no turning back. Either Taehyun ignored his message completely, either he listened to it and didn't reply, or maybe... Mino shook his head.

 

But then the little yellow 1 next to his message disappeared, and he held his breath.

 

It felt like an eternity. Mino's mind wandered.

 

Maybe they couldn't go back in time, and maybe their future wouldn't allow them to be together again, he had no fucking idea what would come in his life, but Mino was already happy enough when Taehyun replied to his message with a similar recording of barely five seconds.

 

_This feeling that comes to me_

_Every night without fail,_

_For some reason I hate it_

 


End file.
